Don't say these things...

So, before having kids, I'm sure I said some pretty awkward things to new moms. I didn't know that certain things are sensitive, especially those first couple months when your emotions are still going crazy. Even now, I catch myself saying things that I know I shouldn't. I think it's because I'm usually not the most graceful conversation-maker. As an introvert, I have a lot of anxiety being alone in a room with someone who is not a good friend of mine. I don't know what to say, and I usually sit silent until the other person starts a conversation...or I say something completely awkward. Anyway, back to the baby thing....

My point is, even though I know I've said some not-so-great things to new moms, there are certain things that I would never say. SO for those of you who don't know what it's like to have a baby and are afraid to say something insulting, or for those of you who say whatever you want without thinking about how it may affect someone, here are a couple of things you should never say to a mom....

1. If you don't know if the baby is a boy or girl, leave out the pronoun. Rather than saying, "Oh, he's cute!" Just say, "Oh, how cute!" Because, in case you haven't noticed, girls don't HAVE to wear pink. Ladies, do you wear pink with every outfit just to identify yourself as a woman? Men, do you wear blue with every outfit just to identify yourself as a man? Don't be stupid. If my daughter is wearing a blue DRESS, don't call her a boy. Seriously. Just keep walking before I punch you.

2. Don't ask if the baby is a "good" baby. Really? What mother is going to say, "nope. She's a terror at 2 weeks old." Just assume all babies are good. Because if, for some reason, a mom tells you that their baby is not a good baby, chances are that she will feel extreme guilt later for uttering those words out loud.

3. Don't ask me if the baby is sleeping through the night. And especially if the baby is less than a couple months old. Yes, there are those freak babies who pop out and sleep through the night. But, it's completely normal for a baby (and especially breastfed babies) to NOT sleep through the night. Oh, and while I'm at it, don't judge me when I tell you she sleeps great because she sleeps in my bed. Also, don't judge me when I tell you that we had to push a twin bed next to our queen bed to make room for our 3-year-old. Yes, there's four of us sleeping in the same bed. Yes, we have the world's largest bed...and it's awesome.

4. I could go on and on, but let me get to the absolute worst thing you could ever say to a mom (and me personally). Don't tell me my baby is "so little!" A mother's only job is to keep the baby alive and growing. And as a breastfeeding mom, making enough milk is a very emotional topic. When you tell me how little she is, you are telling me I'm not taking care of my child. I know that's not what you mean, but with constant doubts that I'm not making enough milk, that's how I take it. I start second guessing my motherly instincts. Five minutes ago, I was feeling so proud of myself, thinking about how her little thighs are starting to fill out, or how her legs are getting too long for those pants. Now, with you telling me how small my baby is, I'm down on myself again for not being an adequate mother. Also, I don't want to know how my baby compares to your babies. Don't tell me she's so much smaller than your kids were at that age. They are different people, so they will naturally grow and develop at different rates.

I'm hoping everyone will be a little more considerate when talking to new moms. You don't know what they are going through. You may be innocently asking if the baby is good, but you didn't see her cry for 5 hours straight for no apparent reason that morning. You may be legitimately wondering if the baby is sleeping through the night, but you weren't there last night when his mom woke up with him 6 times. And you may love how small and petite my little girl is, but you didn't see me pump 3 times at work to get barely 4 ounces, enough to make one bottle when she needs 3, wondering if I can give my baby girl what we both want so badly.

Thanks for listening to my rant! I hope I'm not the only one offended by these comments :)

Bowling and a Wakeup Call

As the summer draws to an end, and football season and the new school year creep closer and closer, it's always sad to think about leaving my babies. I feel like the summer went by so fast, and I reflect on what I could have done to spend my time more wisely. 

One thing we wanted to do with Knox before the end of summer was take him bowling. He has a play bowling set that he plays with in the basement, and we knew it would blow his mind to even see a bowling alley. Yes, he's easily entertained, and yes, we are taking advantage of that in every possible way. 

His first bowling experience was tonight. It surpassed anything he could have imagined, and I wish I would have recorded his reaction when we first walked in. Think about in the movies when someone is walking toward the light of heaven. That was Knox....walking right past the snack bar, the shoe rental, and the video games, and straight toward the lanes. As if some higher power was pulling him closer. 

With bumpers up (for me too, not just Knox) the lightest ball in the place, and the cutest little bowling shoes I've ever seen, Knox  figured out how to get the ball down the lane, and even put some spin on it. He got a little overzealous at one point and tried to throw it hard. The people next to us were really understanding when it came flying down their lane.

 One game wasn't enough, but two games was too much. You live and you learn. Halfway through our second game, they turned the lights off and put on the black lights and disco balls. That added a fun twist. 

A little celebration dance! 

Nora looked like a little glowbug in the black lights. 

He scored 57 on his first game!

58 on game two. But more importantly, notice that I beat Cody the second game! 

Although we had a great time, I couldn't help but keep thinking about dinner. Knox chose our dinner location, so we went to McDonald's. I walked in and although there were 20-30 people at the tables, it was eerily quiet. I sat down and started looking around. Table after table, there were kids, teens, and adults of all ages glued to their technology--smart phones, tablets, computers. There was one elderly couple and another table of 5 or so elderly people who were enjoying each other's company, but everyone else could care less who they were sitting next to. 

A few stuck out to me more than others. The first: to the left of me was a teen and her mom. The mom kept trying to make conversation, only to get quick responses from her daughter, who was on her phone for the entire meal. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the mom. At some point, will my children treat me this way? If I buy them a meal, I would want to be treated with respect by them giving me their time. As a parent, if I'm paying for the phone they use, I will make the rules. That means the person in front of you is more important than the person you are texting or facebooking. Why do some parents feel like they can't demand that??

The second: let's call them a couple. They were there for roughly 15-20 minutes of our meal. I never once saw them speak to each other. They were both on their phones the entire time. Cody believes they were probably texting each other...ha! Even when they got up to leave, the girl walked out first, with the guy following. He never once looked up from his phone, even as he was walking out. If I'm going out to eat, I like to enjoy the company around me. I love the conversations that happen around a dinner table. Will this even be a thing in the near future? Or will we all be too caught up in what could be happening in cyber world to even think about what's going on in front of us? 

The third (and worst in my opinion): a little boy who looked about 5-years-old and his dad, sitting across from us. They were there for about 30 minutes while we were there. I saw the dad speak to his son TWICE! And it was only for a second each time. My heart absolutely broke for this sweet boy. He kept looking at Nora, waving and smiling at her. I wanted so badly to invite him over to our table so he could enjoy his meal with someone who could show him some love and attention. I'm not saying his dad is a bad dad, because I have no idea who he is. But HOW can you ignore your child for a phone? 

Our children are growing up thinking their parents love their phones more than them. That technology trumps them every time. One day, as I taught my first graders, my phone started ringing. It's always on vibrate, but my desk made it echo throughout the room. One little boy asked, "aren't you going to answer that?" I told him no, that right now I was teaching them, and they are way more important than any phone call. He gave me a surprised look that told me he was often put on hold for phone calls or texts at home. 

My heart was heavy watching the dad and his son at McDonald's, as I revisited my days and weeks this summer. I am guilty of "vegging out" in front of my phone. Have I done this too much? Could I have spent more time with my children? I wanted to stand on the table and scream at everyone eating to WAKE UP and see what they are doing to themselves, their families, their friends, and most of all their children. I see a lot more behavior problems each year I teach. Is it because that's the only way they get their parents off their phones at home? 

My hope and prayer is that we can all see the good in technology, but also see the massive amount of evil. I hope parents can start setting limits, and follow them as well. Because I'm afraid if we don't, we are going to start seeing some terrible repercussions. 

Cody and I are going to be speaking about setting limits for ourselves so this is never an issue in our home. I hope others can follow in our footsteps ❤

My tired life

After I had Knox, I was tired all the time and losing hair like crazy. I didn't think anything about it. New moms are supposed to be tired, and I'd heard you lose a lot of hair after you give birth. No big deal. It wasn't until 4 months later, when I was visiting my sister after the arrival of my niece, that I realized something was wrong. From across the room, my mom asked, "What's up with your neck?" 

"Oh, my fat roll?" I responded. 

"That's not a fat roll! That's your thyroid!!"

And so began my journey. I saw an endocrinologist and was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, a form of hypothyroidism. I didn't think much of it. I figured at some point I would have to go on thyroid medicine since every other woman in my family was. 

It sounds stupid, but I didn't realize this disease would completely change me. I assumed I would start a medicine, feel better, and go on with my life. I tried different medicines, none of which helped me feel better. I continued to be tired, to lose hair, to have trouble producing milk, and to gain weight (about 20 pounds in a year). 

What I didn't realize is that this is an autoimmune disease. That means my immune system went psycho when I had Knox, and started killing off everything in my body...first to go was the thyroid. (I also had liver problems that healed on their own, and then gallbladder issues--which still seem to flare up every once in a while.)

I really like a quote I saw the other day: "There's no tired like thyroid tired." It's so true! Think about the most tired you've ever been. Maybe when you've pulled an all-nighter or, for those who have been pregnant before, that first-trimester fatigue. Now, double that and live with it everyday...with no hope of it ever going away. THAT is thyroid tired. 

When I got pregnant with Nora, I was worried about what it would do to my thyroid. Luckily, I felt really good throughout my whole pregnancy. I had some energy and surprisingly was able to keep up with Knox. 

Since having Nora, I've felt the worst I've ever felt. My hair is falling out at rapid speeds and I have no energy to do anything. Luckily, I have been able to produce enough milk for Nora and I haven't had to supplement at all yet. 

The question is this: if my blood work shows that my thyroid levels are normal, why do I still feel like crap?!?! If anyone can answer this, I'd love to hear from you!

Also, more than 20 million Americans have some form of thyroid disorder. One in 8 women will develop a thyroid problem at some point in their lifetime. This is a big deal. Your thyroid literally affects every part of your body. So why isn't more being done to solve the problem and help people when the typical thyroid medication just isn't cutting it? 

I'm not sure exactly what the point is of writing this blog post. I wish I had a success story so I could possibly help someone else. But, hopefully this sheds some light on the situation for someone. And maybe if you see me out and about and I look like I've just been ran over by a truck, this could explain it :) 

Oh, and when I tell people I'm losing a lot of hair, I don't think they always realize just how much. Or they may think I'm exaggerating. The next pictures will show just how much...

I looked in our bathroom trash can and saw this yesterday. I knew I was cleaning out my hairbrush every day or at least every other day, but didn't realize how much it was adding up to. Cody takes our trash out every Sunday night, but forgot last Sunday. So this is two weeks worth of hair just from my hairbrush. I continue to lose hair all day and night that is not included in this glob. Sorry if this grosses you out, but I cried for a long time after I saw this. 

I half-joked with Cody that I was going bald, but reality set in when I saw that I actually am going bald! I have matching bald patches on either side of my head.  

I guess I'm hoping that everyone takes thyroid problems seriously. If you're showing signs, get to a doctor and get a full thyroid panel. You'll have to request a full thyroid panel, because most doctors just run tsh. And hopefully my current issues can help someone else! 

How to properly clean a toilet

Friends, I have a two-year-old boy. He is potty trained, and has been since a month after he turned two. In the last 9 months, I've learned a lot about cleaning. You see, when it's time for him to go to the bathroom, he thinks he has to go as fast as he can or else the toy he was playing with will self-destruct. Yes, people, we have aim issues in our household. 

So I have developed a 10-step process to ensure a clean toilet. For those of you with boys (especially those that are potty training) or just really like a thorough clean, continue reading...

Step 1: The basics

With your favorite cleaner, wipe down the tank and both sides of the lid. Proceed to wipe off the toilet seat. Lift the seat and let out a little shriek. What the heck happened under there?!? Squirt your toilet bowl cleaner in the bowl and scrub down with the toilet brush. This is where most normal people can stop. Moms of boys? You're just getting started. 

Step 2: The seat

Now that the seat is safe to touch, remove the toilet seat by unlocking the hinges. Clean around the hinges on the bowl as you're wondering how he manages to overshoot the toilet bowl every.single.time. Don't forget to turn the seat upside down and clean the hinges on it too. While you're at it, go ahead an wipe the whole toilet seat down again. Can't hurt anything. 

Step 3: The base

Get down on your hands and knees if you're brave enough and have on clothes you can burn after the whole thing is over. Spray down the base of the toilet. Use about half a roll of paper towels to remove the dribbles from all the crevices. Be thorough. Toilet makers like to put lots of curves in their products. Realize a man designed the toilet because whoever did must not ever actually clean it. 

Step 4: The floor

While you're cleaning the base, notice how much gunk has accumulated around the base of the toilet. Did ANY pee make it into the toilet?!? At this point, grab a toothbrush and scrub around the bottom of the toilet. 

Step 5: The floor, part 2

Go ahead and scrub all the floor within a three-foot radius. Trust me. Even if you don't see it, it's there. 

Step 7: The wall

 Yes, you read correctly. The wall. Somehow he's managed to pee all over the wall. Go ahead and scrub the vanity and side of the tub if they are anywhere near the toilet. 

Step 7: The back

Now stick your head waaay back behind the toilet. Even though this is somewhere you can't seem to even reach, there will be pee back there. He's got skills, folks. 

Step 8: The front

Scrub anywhere in front of the toilet. That includes the floor, the wall, the vent (realize it was a poor placement of the vent), and anything else that was in front of the toilet, like a step stool. Pat yourself on the back for thinking to remove the bath mat when you started potty training. This step is often neglected, but moms of boys know that when they sit to go #2, the #1 shoots out the front of the toilet. 

Step 9: Sanitize

Not the toilet, that should be covered by now. I'm talking sanitize yourself! You will feel disgusting. You will want to wash your hands with scalding water, followed by a whole bottle of germ-x. You will want to take a hot shower. You will also promptly add "hazmat suit" to your shopping list for next time (which, let's face it, will be tomorrow).

Step 10: Save

Just start putting a few bucks aside each month. At this rate, you'll need a new toilet by the time all your kids are potty trained. 

Three Words

Our bedtime ritual. Go potty, brush teeth, jammies, "say night-night to daddy", diffuser on with a bedtime essential oil, read two books, light off, and sing one song. It must be in that order. 

Tonight I turned off the light and squeezed my adult-sized body next to him on his baby-sized bed. "What song do you want tonight?" An innocent voice answered, "abc's." We sung the alphabet slowly, our cheeks touching as we cuddled. Each letter that came out of his mouth wavered as he tried his hardest to match my notes. I hope he will be a good singer someday. 

I asked our usual questions: "What can you do if you get scared?" "I hug my lovey tight." "Right. And what do you say if you need something?" "Mommyyyy or Daddyyyy!" "I love you sooo much!" "I love you sooo much!" 

But tonight, I needed more snuggles. We laid together as I told him what a good cuddler he is, how proud I am of him for being such a good big brother, and how much I love him. I shifted my weight, contemplating how to get out of the bed. Could I manage to sit up or would I have to barrel roll backwards out of the bed? I felt a sweet toddler hand reach up and find my neck. He pulled me back down so our faces were touching again. He said the three words: 

"I need you."

I let him hold my face to his, and suddenly I saw him going to school, becoming a teenager, graduating high school and moving away. How much longer will he need me? 

Already he's becoming more independent. "I do it myself!" is a phrase heard in our house far too often. More and more, I find myself having to hold him down and force cuddles, rather than him giving them willingly. Each time he opens his own wrapper or gets himself a snack, it breaks my heart a little more. I don't have many days left where my baby boy will need me (or willingly admit that he needs me). 

For now, he does need me, as he revealed innocently (as only toddlers can). I will try to soak up these days for all they are worth, and keep that perfect "I need you" stored away in my head for when he no longer vocalizes it. 

I gave him a couple more kisses and hugs, flopped myself off the bed, and walked away. As I reached the door, I completed the last step of our bedtime ritual: I blew a big kiss toward my big/baby boy. He blew a big kiss back at me as I closed the door and walked away. 

A Look Back

I wanted to revisit my New Years resolutions from last year to see how I did. Here we go...

1.) The first resolution was to pay off half our non-mortgage debt. I said half was about $18,000. We didn't quite get there. We paid off almost $12,000. We stopped paying extra on our student loans sometime in the fall to get prepared for the baby, so that hindered the progress a little bit. Some good news that we recently found out was that Cody will get more of his student loans forgiven than we originally thought. Instead of $5000 forgiven, he will get $17,000 forgiven....huge difference! Can't wait for that day to come! 

2.) I set a goal of losing 40 pounds. Well, I ended up getting pregnant. That pretty much put an end to that one :) although I actually started off the pregnancy by losing about 20 pounds. I ended the pregnancy at the weight i started the pregnancy. Can't ask for better than that. As of now, I'm about 20 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year. Hoping to lose a little more, but not too worried about it while I'm breastfeeding.

3.) My other goal was to be more organized at home and work. I started the school year super organized. I pretty much kept it organized so I could be ready for my sub during my maternity leave. Home, however, was a different story. I will say that we have done some projects around the house to try to give everything a place. But, I underestimated the wrath of a two-year-old. He pretty much destroys any organization I manage to create.

The funny thing is that when Cody and I were talking about our resolution of paying off half our debt in 2014, he said our goal should be to have a baby by the end of the year. I told him he was crazy, and we settled for a goal of being pregnant by the end of the year. He got his wish after all!! 

Am I going to attempt a resolution this year? No! Our life is too chaotic right now :) maybe my resolution should be to just survive the year! 

Although we really didn't fulfill any of our resolutions completely, last year was a 100% success. With a toddler who is super smart and getting smarter every day, and a sweet baby girl who made an awesome entry into the world (stay tuned for the post about her birth story), we really couldn't ask for a better year. 2015 will be so different as we try to adjust to being a family of 4, not to mention we have tons of friends/family members having babies this year, and I'm excited for the adventure!! 

Nora's Birth Story

I had a feeling all day Thursday, December 11, that I would have the baby the next day. My back was feeling a little different than it had been, and there was a feeling I couldn't explain telling me Friday was the day. 

I went to sleep and woke up when Knox came to my bed. He climbed up, curled up between my legs, and fell asleep like that. I noticed Cody wasn't in bed. He must have fallen asleep in the living room. I checked the clock...it was 2:30. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom. 

When I came back to bed, I bent over to try to scoot Knox over. My water broke. I yelled at Cody so I didn't make a mess all over the carpet. He came in and brought some towels. I wasn't feeling any contractions so I texted my midwife just to let her know. She had told me that she would be in Branson with her grandkids Thursday and Friday, so I wanted to give her a head's up. 

I decided to try to get some rest before my contractions started. It didn't work. Around the time I laid down (about 30 minutes after my water broke), the contractions started. I tried to time them, but I don't think I was doing it right. They were pretty close together...between 2 and 4 minutes apart. I didn't think that was right, but they were never further apart than that so I guess I skipped the early contractions. 

I never got back to sleep, so instead, I got the last minute stuff ready and just kept myself moving. Cody went in to the school to get sub plans ready. 

Around 7:00, we called my midwife for an update. The contractions were strong, but still not too strong. I didn't want to make the 1 hour+ trip while in hard labor, so we decided to head that way around 7:30. 

Cody's mom came over and stayed with Knox. He was still asleep. I was hoping he would wake up so we could explain what was happening, but he didn't. 

We got to the birth center at 8:45. My midwife was going to send her assistant to check me, and then decide if she needed to come yet or not. When we got inside and settled, she checked me and said I was between 4 and 5 cm. I still had a while. 

The assistant left to run some errands and let me progress on my own. I tried to eat something, but after I took one bite of yogurt, I felt like I was going to throw up. I got a couple of grapes down and decided to stop trying.

I tried laying down to rest, and the contractions got a lot stronger. It felt way better when I was upright and moving around, so I got up. The best position I found was sitting on the edge of a rocking chair. I was able to kind of rock my way through each contraction. 

Around 11:00, I got in the shower because the contractions were a lot stronger. It helped me relax and get to that next level of contractions. 

When I got out, I got on the birthing ball and bounced, rolled, etc. The assistant was back by then and checked me again. I was at 6 cm. Getting there! I was doing well getting through the contractions. I felt focused and relaxed, remembering how to breathe and using Cody to help me. 

This is when chaos broke out. I was on the ball still and a lady came in the room. She introduced herself as the doctor that oversees the birth center. She explained that in Missouri, nurse midwives have to have a doctor to 'okay' every birth they take on. She then said that she didn't know anything about me. She asked me a lot of questions about my last pregnancy, health background, etc. I could tell there was some tension in the room, as she was not being very pleasant toward Cody and I or the assistant. I tried answering the questions, but I was having contractions every minute and a half or so, and they were very strong. When I did have a contraction, she would rudely say, "I'll wait..." So Cody answered most of the questions. She left the room to go over all the information we gave her. 

When she came back in, she said she did not feel comfortable letting me attempt a VBAC at the birth center. She started going over options, explaining that there were plenty of doctors in Springfield who would let me attempt a VBAC. But, at that point, we were no longer welcome to have the baby at the birth center. Cody was mad. He was calmly arguing with her. I was still on the birthing ball. I kept my eyes closed and focused on breathing through the contractions. They were getting very strong and getting closer together. The doctor finally said, "well, you're the one who is in labor. Can you share what you're thinking?" 

Hmm...what I'm thinking? I was thinking, "who do we know in Springfield who would let us have a baby at their house?" and, "could I make the drive home without having the baby in the car?" and plenty of bad thoughts toward the doctor. However, the only word I could get out was, "no," because, frankly, I share my thoughts with people who care about me. And if you are going to throw me out on the street when I could deliver a baby at any moment, you don't deserve to know what I'm thinking. 

I finally told her to leave, that we needed a minute to talk in private. She left, and my midwife's assistant apologized greatly, telling me they had somewhere for me to go if I didn't want to go to the hospital. I knew that if I walked into a hospital at this point in labor, no doctor would want to take the risk of a VBAC with a patient they've never met before, and I would surely end up with another cesarean. So I got enough strength up to say, "I don't want to go to the hospital." 

With those words, we flew into crazy mode. We packed things up (and I use the word 'we' very loosely. I definitely was not much help at that point), and Cody took everything to the car. The assistant helped me walk out to the car. Although it was a short walk, I had to stop several times for contractions. The doctor was prying us for information as we were leaving, wanting to know where we were going. Again, she did not deserve to know that information. 

As we got to the car, my midwife pulled into the parking lot. We found out later that she and her husband got pulled over trying to get there. She went inside and surely had some words with the doctor. We got in the car, with the assistant in the back seat to help me through contractions. She pushed on my back where I had a lot of pressure. 

She apologized, saying we had a 30-minute drive. As Cody pulled onto the road, I said, "don't tell our parents what we're doing!" 

That was a long car ride! I was still calm, breathing through the contractions. But every little bump felt like a crater! Our car is so tiny, so there wasn't much room to move around. 

We got to a house. Our midwife knew this lady from when she was a doula. She opened her home to us and was happy to help with the birth. She had her master suite ready for us as we got there, with fresh sheets on the bed and her big tub cleaned. 

My midwife wanted to check my dilation. I was standing and hugging Cody around the neck. She checked me standing, which was great since I didn't feel like I could move. I was dilated to 8, but my cervix started firming up a little from the stress of everything. I had broke down just a little once we got there, but I think it could have been a lot worse :)

I remember standing with my hip popped to the side, and I just couldn't relax. I said I felt like I had to pee, so I got to the toilet, which helped relax me too. All of the sudden, I thought I was going to puke. I looked around and couldn't find a trash can. My midwife kept trying to keep me calm, saying this is good--it meant I was in transition. 

After the nausea passed, I got in the tub. It helped me relax, but not for long. The contractions were SO strong with SO much pressure. Cody got his trunks on and got in the tub to help with positions. 

I was feeling sooo much pressure that I thought I had to push. I kept the thought to myself for a second, because I was kind of waiting for someone to tell me to push. That sounds so stupid now, but that's what all the shows you watch make it seem like. I finally said, "I feel like I need to push!"

My midwife said, "good! Then push!" 

"I can push?!?"

"YES!" 

So with the next contraction, I pushed. It felt better than holding it in. I pushed for a while, but I wasn't doing an effective job. My midwife coached me through some. I kept getting so hot in the tub. I drank a lot of water and used cool rags on my forehead and neck.  I felt like I couldn't breathe! I also couldn't get a good grip with my feet, so we finally got out of the tub so I could get in a better position for pushing.  

Cody sat on the edge of the tub with his legs spread. I squatted down between his legs, facing away from him. I rested my arms on his legs and he held my arms to keep me up. I pushed for not very long like this, and finally felt the stinging feeling my childbirth instructor told me about. I kept reminding myself that even though it was a tearing feeling, it's really just my body going numb and it won't last long. 

My midwife had me reach down and feel Nora's head. I couldn't believe she was so close to being in my arms! A couple more pushes, and Nora came flying out! My midwife put her in my arms and I was immediately in love! The first words out of my mouth were, "oh, she looks like Knox!!" 

I sat down the rest of the way on the floor, and I held Nora until the cord stopped pulsing. Cody cut the cord. 

Then we made our way to the bed to deliver the placenta. Holy crap! Why doesn't anyone make a big deal about that? I remember telling everyone that it's not fair that you still have to do work after you just had a baby. 

During all of that, the assistant worked with Nora to get her latched on. She was so patient and Nora latched on like a champ. 

After my midwife checked to make sure the placenta was intact, she actually let us see it. It is amazing how our bodies make such a safe place for the baby to live for ten months. A miracle for sure. 

We were planning on going home right away, but it was such a crazy turn of events that we decided to stay the night. They went and got us burgers and fries, then left us to enjoy Nora alone the rest of the evening. I cannot get over the generosity and hospitality of everyone. We were blessed to have met them! 

Although my concept of time was gone throughout the whole day (time seemed to fly by actually!), here's a rough estimate of how things went. We left the birth center around 1:45, got to the house around 2:15, and Nora was born at 3:44. I started pushing maybe 30 minutes after we got there. It was super fast after we got settled. 

I am so happy with my midwife and her assistant, and feel like they were wonderful given the situation. The only person I fault for everything that happened is the doctor at the birth center. She was rude and negligent. Things could have gone so differently, and I'm thankful they didn't! I will never understand why she treated us the way she did, and how someone like that can live with themselves. We will never stop telling people about this, hoping they don't get treated the same way. 

Anyway, overall, I'm happy with everything. I finally got the natural birth I have always wanted. I got to experience it in a unique way to say the least! And it turns out that I had a home birth after all.  I can't wait to do it again...although, next time, I think we will try a home birth at our own home :D 

Pregnancy and Family Update

Lots of people have been asking when I'm going to have this baby, how I'm feeling, or just how our family is doing. 

First, I have NO idea when this little girl will make her appearance in the world. I think most everyone knows that I'm opting for a natural birth with a midwife this time around. So unless there is a major problem, she will come when she and my body is ready! What I do know is that my due date is December 9, and my midwife will let me go two weeks (longer if everything looks good and healthy) past my due date. So anytime in the next few weeks :) 

I have been feeling ok, but am getting a little uncomfortable. On thanksgiving day, I started having cramping and my belly would tighten (maybe Braxton Hicks?). I've also been nesting. Cody and I spent all day Thursday cleaning and organizing. I've been getting last minute items packed, bows and headbands made for the little girl, and finishing decorating the nursery. 

One popular question I get over and over is, "are you ready?" The answer is yes and no! I am ready to see this little baby, hold her, and give her lots of kisses. BUT I still feel a little hesitation about the unknown--how will the birth go? How will breastfeeding go? How will Knox react? And I still have a few things I need to get done, like making up some freezer meals ahead of time. 

Everyone is doing great in our family. Cody is done with football season, which has made my life a lot easier! Knox is talking SO much and learning a lot. He loves learning shapes and colors. He also likes counting (he can count to 13 now) and singing (some of his favorite songs are the ABC's, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Jesus Loves Me, and The Wheels on the Bus). It's so funny to hear what little phrases he picks up on and uses. 

Over the summer, we were on a mission to get Knox to sleep in his own bed, seeing as how we will have a newborn in bed with us soon and all four of us wouldn't fit in a queen bed comfortably. We moved his toddler bed into our room and put it right next to my side of the bed. I think it helped ease him into sleeping by himself, and if he got scared or had a bad dream in the night, he could just climb up and spend the rest of the night with us. To get him to sleep, I would lay him in bed with me, read a book, and then sing to him until he or I fell asleep :) Cody would then move him down to his bed when he came to bed. We had gotten really bad about falling asleep and not moving him or just leaving him in bed with us the last month or so (partly because he had a bad cough and wasn't breathing the greatest). 

I haven't been sleeping very well at all with him in bed with us--between his crazy sleeping positions and me being so big, it was very uncomfortable. So I decided the first day of thanksgiving break to try to get him to sleep in his own room. I made it seem like it was his idea and he got really excited. We moved his bed back in his room. The first night he slept all night in his bed, so I made a Mickey Mouse (his favorite) sticker chart. He got to put a Mickey Mouse sticker on it and watch an episode of Mickey Mouse when he woke up. When it was nap time that day, I explained to him that he needed to rest, that he didn't have to sleep but he couldn't come out of his room. I checked on him about 15 minutes later and he was awake still. I held him for a minute and then laid him back down. He fell right to sleep! He has now slept in his room all night for the last 3 nights, and has taken 2 naps in his room with little effort to get him to sleep. 

I can't believe how big he is getting! I do miss snuggling with him at night but I also have enjoyed the extra space in bed. I'm hoping this new sleeping arrangement sticks when the new baby gets here. I'm afraid he will be jealous that she gets to sleep with us. Although it wasn't always the most comfortable waking up with Knox kicking me in the ribs or smacking me in the face, I wouldn't change anything about it. Being a working mom, it seems like I miss out on spending time with him some days. Just having the extra 8 (or so) hours of snuggles at night help make up for that a little bit. 

Some thoughts on Amendment 3...

Picture this:

You work for your local, hometown bank as a drive-thru teller. It's the end of the month and you are meeting with your boss to discuss your performance. 

Boss: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your pay this month"

You: "Why? Did I do something wrong?"

Boss: "It seems like you didn't take in many deposits this month. We have to have more deposits to be able to function."

You: "You're kidding, right? I can't control how many people come through the drive-thru to make a deposit."

Boss: "I'm sorry, but I'm not kidding. This is our new policy. The amount you are getting paid will depend on how many deposits your customers make each month."

As you could imagine, you are very disappointed. The amount of money you depend on to support your family is not there anymore. But there's nothing you can do now. You go home, and over the next month, you study. You learn new strategies for your customers. You take books home on how to become a better banker. You read and read and read, look up new techniques until you can't stare at a computer screen anymore. You dream about banking. You spend your evenings, normally devoted to family time, with your nose in a book. You feel more prepared than ever before. You go into your boss' office the next month, expecting great results. 

Boss: "It looks like there has been no change this month. In fact, your deposits are down again. Looks like I'll be cutting your pay again."

You: "I have worked so hard to get my deposits up! This can't be fair! I've done everything in my power to become a better teller. I am not in control of how much my customers deposit."

Boss: "Betty hasn't had any troubles getting high deposits each month."

You try to explain that Betty is inside, where all the big businesses go for deposits, that the drive-thru is where people go for quick service with their little deposits, that maybe because it's around Christmas time people don't have much money to deposit, but there's nothing he can do. This was a policy set in place by someone much higher up than him. And although he does not agree, he must abide by it.

This, essentially, is what will happen to teachers in Missouri if Amendment 3 passes in November. Our pay would be determined by how well our 'customers' (students) are performing. For me personally, that would mean that 6- and 7-year-olds would be setting my salary.  How scary is that?

Let's take this a little bit at a time, because there is a lot covered on this Amendment. (By the way, you can read the exact language here.)

If passed, teachers would be evaluated by a standards-based evaluation system. Basically, there will be a set of standards that each teacher must achieve to be considered a competent teacher. We are already evaluated each year, so this doesn't change *much* when it comes to our jobs. It will be a more thorough list of standards we must meet each year. However, state and local funding will be based off of these evaluations. Although I'm not how this will be assessed, I don't necessarily agree that funding be based off of teacher evaluations (I'm assuming they will use this as motivation to get 'bad' teachers out of schools.)

Next, if passed, teachers will be "dismissed, retained, demoted, promoted, and paid primarily using quantifiable student performance data as part of the evaluation system." This is what the first part of my post was about. This is my 6th year teaching, and while I finally feel comfortable and confident in my career, I know it is not long in the grand scheme of things. However, I think back on my 6 years of teaching, and I can vividly remember groups of students who tested me as a teacher. Some were SO SMART, but could not focus when it came around to test time. Some groups were so low academically that I knew I would never get them all to where they needed to be by the end of the year. Some groups had such bad behaviors that the rest of the class suffered. However, one thing remains the same each year...our end-of-year scores fluctuate. I always have good surprises and bad surprises. I would never, ever want my salary to be based off of what a piece of paper says. And it's not because I feel like I am a lazy teacher who just wants to sneak by under the radar. I work my butt off for every one of my kids. When one struggles, I rack my brain and everyone else's brains until I find something that works. But in the end, I know the score on that paper tells me nothing about the person who completed the test. I know my students better than any test or government official ever will.

Here are some things to think about. There are some secondary teachers who teach all advanced classes, and some who teach basic classes. Who do you think will get paid more? What are we going to do for the Art teachers, who do not give a standardized test at the end of the year? Will we start making tests for everything? Music, P.E., library, etc.? Come on, people, it's not realistic!

And finally, if passed, this Amendment would require teachers to enter into contracts of three years or fewer with school districts. This is to get rid of tenure. I am not yet a tenured teacher, so I don't know what the feeling of being tenured is like. I think most of the public thinks being tenured means you can't get rid of a bad teacher. That is not what it is! You still have to hold up your end of the contract as a tenured teacher. It is not impossible to get rid of a teacher who is not teaching. Period. Tenure does, however, make it impossible to get rid of a teacher for no reason. As a non-tenured teacher, technically I can be told at any moment that I don't have a job next year and they don't have to give me a reason. Yes, I understand that any other job has the same risk. However, in our line of work, a school board (who generally has no background in education) has the ultimate decision on whether or not you will get your contract renewed (yes, most listen to the advice from administrators, but the ultimate decision rests in the hands of the school board).

While talking to a teacher friend last night about tenure, she told me that tenure gives you the security to stand up for what you believe without fearing your job will be on the line. She said that she recently fought for a student (which teachers do ALL the time), saying things she believed would best benefit the student even though no one else agreed. Without tenure, who will fight for the students? Who will stand up to do the right thing when no one else agrees?

I recently posted a video to Facebook about a bill that is trying to be passed in Missouri to prohibit teachers from getting involved in any sort of political activity. If you missed the video, click here to watch it. It is very disturbing that this was even a thought that crossed a politician's mind. Are they seeing how teachers are fighting back against Amendment 3, scared it won't pass, and trying to silence the people who are standing up for their rights? Think about other issues on the ballots and where this will lead in the future...

I encourage you to educate yourself on this Amendment and make a decision you are comfortable with. Above all, please, please, PLEASE have some trust in your local school district and know they are doing anything and everything to support, teach, and care for your children.

Knox's Story: Part 2

I previously wrote a post about Knox's birth story. If you missed it, click here to read it. As you know, it did not go as well as I had hoped. I had a bad experience, and mine may or may not have been an isolated event for the particular hospital/doctor. I've always been pretty open with people when they ask about my birth story, giving as many details as one would like, discussing the disappointing parts, but ultimately highlighting the fact that I got through it and Knox was safe, healthy, and happy. Until now, I haven't shared the second part of our journey with many people. Unfortunately, my bad experience with doctors did not stop at the birth of our first son.

When Knox was almost a month old, we packed up our belongings and moved to Osceola. We had accepted jobs here while I was still pregnant, and started looking for a house to live in. We actually missed the closing on our house because I was giving birth. Luckily for us, our realtors and bankers were very understanding and let us sign the paperwork in at the bank in Milan, getting it notarized. Small-town living at its finest.

Upon arrival in Osceola, I started thinking of all the things that never occurred to me before, including the question: Where do I even start looking for a pediatrician? We knew we weren't going to be in Milan very long after Knox was born, so we were okay with him having the on-call doctor when he was born. Thankfully, we were assigned an awesome pediatrician who we loved. The down side? He wouldn't be Knox's pediatrician for long.

I wanted someone who would be open to holding off on vaccines as long as we needed. We didn't know if that would be 1 year, 5 years, or forever! All we knew was that we didn't want to give him any for at least the first year of his life. I started looking for pediatricians in the area, and reading reviews on each. I wanted a D.O. as I know they are more open to holistic medicine. There were only a few in the area.

I picked up the phone and called one who had awesome reviews online. The receptionist answered, and I asked if this doctor was accepting new patients. She said yes. My next question was, "Is he open to waiting on vaccinations? My son has not been vaccinated and I am not interested in getting any for a while." She assured me that he was open to this mindset. I made the appointment.

I hung up the phone, feeling proud of myself for finding someone so easily who would see my unvaccinated child. And everyone told me I couldn't do it. 

It was a Wednesday. I took off a day of work to go to the appointment. My mother-in-law came with me to help with Knox if I needed it. We got to the waiting room. We waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, Knox's name was called. I got to the room and stripped him down to his diaper. The nurse measured him and weighed him. She said to leave him in his diaper and the doctor would be in soon.

We waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, the doctor came in. He shook my hand, introduced himself. He had Knox's chart in his hand. He sat in a rolling chair. I was standing by the table, where Knox was laying, still in his diaper.

He started talking, and I thought it was odd that he wouldn't get near my little 4-month-old. I mean, not even close enough to touch him. He stayed back at least 5 feet. I assumed he just wanted a history, no big deal.

The more he talked, the more I realized something was up. He started talking about vaccinations. Now I knew what was going on. He pulled some pamphlets out of Knox's file on vaccines and gave them to me. He kept repeating himself, saying things like, "pediatricians are held to a higher standard." And, "I'm in charge of the well-being of a child from birth to 18 years." And, "I believe vaccinations are an important part of a child's health."

This went on for a while. I'm not sure how long, as I got really flustered. I'd say it was probably 15 minutes. The whole time, Knox laid on the table in just a diaper. After he started repeating himself for the third time, my mother-in-law stepped in and said, "So if I understand you correctly, you aren't going to see Knox today?" He responded by saying, "I just don't feel comfortable starting a relationship with a patient if I can't continue care for him."

He then started repeating himself AGAIN. My mother-in-law said, "We understand what you're saying. We are educated people and don't need you to repeat it again." Then she started dressing Knox.

The only thing I could mutter was, "When I called to set up an appointment, I specifically asked if you would be open to seeing an unvaccinated patient. The receptionist told me you were."

His response? "We tell them to say that so we can get you in here and give you information on vaccines." I told him that I wish I would have known that before taking off a day of work and driving over an hour to get to the appointment. But that's okay, because he told me he wouldn't charge for the visit.

WHAAAAT?!?

SO. Nice of him.

We packed up and walked out, leaving his precious hand-outs on the exam table.

Here were my afterthoughts, and what I really wish I could have thought of in the moment to say to him:

~If you care so much about the well-being of all children, why won't you even get near my kid? You have a child laying on your exam table, right in front of you, and you won't check him out?

~You believe it is unethical to start a relationship with a patient who you know you can't continue that relationship with, but it is ethical to intentionally lie to people to get them into your office so you can force your beliefs on them?

~You think vaccinated children are the healthiest, but I hear a kid in the next room coughing and hacking (who I can only assume is vaccinated since you are seeing them), and my child has never been sick. (Which, by the way, even now at 2 years old, I can count on one hand the number of times Knox has been sick).

~Finally, no, this visit was not 'free of charge' for me. I lost a day's wage to take a day off work to get to the appointment, and then spent gas money to drive over 2 hours round-trip. But thanks for not charging me for what you called a 'visit.'

I honestly wish I knew who I could report the doctor to. I'm sure there is someone to report to when a doctor is being unethical. He admitted to me that they blatantly lie to their patients.

So this was the second healthcare letdown I had in Knox's life. I just want to reiterate that I am not against doctors and hospitals. I know that many many people have great experiences, but I also know that my story isn't the only one like it out there. I'm very thankful for medicine and doctors, because there are emergencies that require serious care. What I learned from these experiences is that I know my child better than any doctor. I don't need someone to look at my child from 5 feet away and tell me if he is healthy or not. I am glad to have hospitals and doctors if Knox were to ever get ill and I don't know how to handle it. But for now, we will keep using essential oils, homeopathics, and feeding him a healthy diet as a preventative.

How I Chose a Midwife

As you know, I did not have the most pleasant experience giving birth to Knox.  I've mentioned that I am using what I learned to help me this time around. 

I decided, long before getting pregnant for the second time, that I wanted my next birth to be different. Honestly, I probably decided this shortly after having Knox. Although I wanted it to be different, I didn't really know what that meant. I knew I wanted to try a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), but looking back, I pictured that happening in a hospital with a doctor who was willing to give it a try.

You should know (if you read my previous post) that I had trouble breastfeeding with Knox. We packed up and moved to Osceola when Knox was barely 1 month old. We were away from all the medical professionals in Kirksville who knew who we were. We had no pediatrician yet, and I was out of people to look to for help with breastfeeding.

While pregnant, I read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (great resource for anyone wanting to have a natural childbirth!) and Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding (by the way, Ina May is a Midwife), and I remembered how much she talked about helping new moms with breastfeeding. I began looking for midwives in the area as a last resort for someone to help. I found a list and furiously typed out a desperate-sounding email to the first lady on the list. She replied with the name and email address of a doula in my area who could possibly help.

That doula came to my house personally and helped with Knox's latch. I felt a lot more confident after she left, but she continued to email me to check on me a couple times a week at first. I am very thankful for her, as she answered a lot of questions over the following months. One of the questions being, "who do I see for a pediatrician if I don't want to give vaccinations?" She suggested I see a midwife (different from the first one I emailed), and gave me the contact information for one she knew of who did well-child checkups.

I set up an appointment with Brenda Abercrombie, and she saw Knox right away. Our first appointment with her was 2 hours long. Usually when you tell someone you were at the doctor for 2 hours, it's because of waiting (because you may see the doctor for 10-15 minutes of that 2 hours). With the midwife, the 2 hours was face-to-face contact with Brenda. Before even seeing Knox, she wanted to know how my pregnancy was, the birth story, why I chose no vaccinations, anything about him up until that point in his life. She was very thorough and actually listened intently, rather than rushing from one patient to the next. She drew blood to check my thyroid. She wanted to watch Knox breastfeed to check his latch.

I told her about my experience with the pediatrician in Springfield. She wasn't surprised. She told me that a few years ago, all the doctors in Springfield got together and agreed to not take on any patients who were unvaccinated. Interesting.

I knew after that visit that I wanted to use Brenda as my midwife for my next birth. I probably would  be able to find someone to 'try' a VBAC, but in the end, I knew I would get little support from that doctor. I just knew that if I went that route, I would end up with another c-section.

During Knox's next check-up with Brenda, we talked about using a midwife for a VBAC. I was nowhere near ready to think about having another baby, as Knox was just a few months old, but I wanted to have a plan for when it did happen again. After that visit, I had my mind made up...a midwife it would be for my next birth.

Here are some reasons I chose a midwife, and why no one should be worried about me using a midwife:

1. Common beliefs. With an ob/gyn, I felt like I was always going against the advice given. I was constantly written prescriptions that I never filled. I listened politely to recommendations to treat symptoms, only to go home to look up more natural solutions. With a midwife, I can tell her my honest opinion and I know she actually cares about what I have to say. We both agree that a drug-free, natural childbirth is best for the baby. Ultimately, that is the goal for both of us. 

2. Quality of care. I thought it was interesting to see this post from parents magazine on Facebook: 

Every appointment I've had, I feel like I am the main focus. There is rarely any other patient waiting. I remember being disappointed because I wanted to talk to the doctor when I called the office with a question, or when I was in labor and a million things were running through my head. With the midwife, I call or text her directly with any questions I have. And I know she will be there when I need her during labor as well. 

3. Knowledge. I'm amazed every time I go to a check-up with the knowledge my midwife has. 

4. A positive approach. I remember my first appointment with the ob/gyn. They went over a long list of things to stay away from...diet soda, undercooked meat, raw eggs, lunch meats, etc. I never got that lecture from my midwife. Instead, she gives me things TO eat! For example, she talked about the importance of protein, something I never once heard from my ob/gyn. With Knox, I was pretty much told any prenatal vitamin is good. Now I know that a natural (vs. synthetic) prenatal supplement is best, as your body is more able to absorb it. It's nice to know how to eat to best benefit my growing baby. 

5. And finally, because it's fun to see the looks I get when I tell people I'm using a midwife. No, I'm not having a home birth. I will be having the baby in a birthing clinic, just blocks away from a hospital in Springfield. This is the best solution since I did have a c-section with Knox. I feel confident with my midwife because she was a nurse practitioner first. She isn't afraid to write a prescription if I truly need it, but I know she won't jump to that first. 

I'm so excited to give birth! I know there is a chance that things won't go as I hope, but I do know that I'm trying everything possible to have a healthy birth! 

Knox is 2!

I can NOT believe that our little boy is already two! We celebrated on Saturday with a Very Hungry Caterpillar themed birthday party. It is Knox's favorite book at the moment, and it seemed fitting. Here are some pictures from the party:

First, the food. It was really easy to figure out what to serve. I pretty much just followed what the book said. Since the hungry caterpillar is apparently not a fan of veggies, I did add some of those. I also served hamburgers and hotdogs, and had a couple more tags on those but I didn't get a picture.

                                   (I found these adorable butterfly shaped crackers...perfect!)

     (I grew the grass in one week. Just an FYI if anyone ever needs to grow grass...it grows fast!)

I made the cake and it ended up being a little busy for my taste. My favorite part was the caterpillar on top. I got creative this year and did a square layer on bottom with a round layer on top. I know, things got crazy, people. Here are pictures of all four sides...

Some of the decorations...

         (I used plates from the Dollar Tree to display pictures of Knox throughout his second year)

(I put pictures of Knox on the table under the gumballs. It was super windy so I had to weigh them down!)

(A complete fail was my balloon caterpillar on the ceiling. It was so windy that they kept falling down when we opened the door. This was the best shot I got...which was after I had to re-tape it a few times.)

(This was in the front yard, directing traffic to the back yard.)

(The wreath for the front door)

(Party favors for the kids. Inside were gummy worms, balloons, and a sucker. I also had coloring pages and crayons for them, but didn't get a picture of it)

(Everyone who came got to sign The Very Hungry Caterpillar for Knox. He has the board book, but he will be ready for the real thing pretty soon.)

And here are some pictures from the party...

(One of his favorite gifts was a pair of cowboy boots)

(sitting with his cousin)

 And lots of lollipop-eating!

We all had an awesome time, but especially Knox! We had perfect weather. It was really windy, but the temperature was great. It's so fun to see Knox get excited and be so happy. Here's a family picture we took at the end of the day...all smiles! And you can actually start to see baby #2 peeking out a little. Happy Birthday Knox!

A Baby Story

With Knox's SECOND birthday fast-approaching, it only seems right to reminisce a little. First of all, I can't believe my baby boy is pretty much 2. I remember holding my little baby in my arms and having people tell me to enjoy it because it goes by so fast. Yeah, yeah, I thought to myself. 

(This is Knox when he was one day old)

SO! Here we go! The story of how Knox made his grand entrance into the world. 

I remember going into my check-ups with a list of a million questions. One of the first questions I asked my doctor was how she supported natural births. I wanted a completely drug-free pregnancy and birth. I wouldn't even take Tylenol for a headache during pregnancy.  She assured me that she felt the more natural, the better. I asked if I would have breastfeeding support and she told me there was a lactation consultant at the hospital 24/7. 

Knox was born on a Tuesday. The Friday before, I had gone on my daily walk. I walked to the school to see everyone who was teaching summer school. We stood around and talked for a while. I noticed my back was hurting really bad but figured it was from standing for so long. When Cody and I got back to the house, I talked to my mom. She was very worried that I may be having back labor. Her sister had that and ended up delivering my cousin in her apartment. 

Reluctantly, I called the hospital. They said to come on in...it wouldn't hurt to get checked out. In my head, I refused to become that woman who goes to the hospital 8 times thinking she's in labor. So, I told Cody to go ahead and shower. We took our time getting to the hospital. When we got there, I got hooked up to the monitor and I was having contractions. I wasn't feeling them around front like a normal person would. They weren't very strong, not strong enough to be in full blown labor, so we went home. (Oh, and we got pulled over for no reason on the way home. Cody wasn't speeding...it was late so I think they were checking for drunk drivers) 

Over the next few days, I continued to go on 1-2 walks a day. My back hurt really bad but I just dealt with it. I had my weekly appointment that Wednesday so I was just trying to make it until then. Unfortunately, when I woke up on Tuesday, I couldn't take it anymore. My back hurt so bad that I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I called the doctor's office to see if my ob/gyn could see me a day early. They said she was on-call at the hospital, but I could go over there and she could check me out in her spare time. 

So, yet again, we packed up the car. We checked in at the hospital and got hooked up to the monitor. Again, I was having contractions but I still couldn't feel anything in the front. 

The doctor came to check me. While checking me, I felt like I peed all over myself. She asked when my water broke. I looked at Cody super confused, looked back at the doctor, and said , 'just now?' She said it must have broke before, and that she just released it. I was thinking back to any sign that my water had broke before then and I couldn't think of anything. She kept pressuring me to give her a time, and finally asked what time I had woke up that morning. I told her 9:00. And she said she would write 9:00 down as the approximate time my water broke. 

At the time, I was really confused and excited and didn't think much of it. She told me I was dilated to 4, but that she couldn't feel knox's head at all. Again, strange, because at my appointment the week before, she had felt his head. 

The problem was that I had two water bags. The first had broken, but the second was still intact. She thought I would go into full-blown labor if the other water broke, but she wouldn't do it until she could feel the head.

Sooo she recommended pitocin. She thought the pitocin would enhance the contractions, pushing Knox down into the birthing canal. So, hesitantly, I agreed. There went the birth plan. 

I got hooked up to the pitocin, and prepared for intense contractions, as that's what I heard pitocin did. And so I waited. And waited. Still nothing. 

I walked the halls. I bounced on the ball. I walked some more. I walked for hours. Every 30 minutes they came back to increase the dosage of pitocin. Eventually it was on the full amount. The nurse told me to be prepared for extreme contractions with the full dose of pitocin. At that point I was ready for any sort of contraction. 

I got nothing. Still back pain. 

After being on the full dose of pitocin for about 5 hours (it could have been longer), I was still only dilated to 4. And knox's head was still nowhere to be found. 

We had been at the hospital for 12 hours with no change. The doctor came in and told me she recommended a c-section. She thought we could keep going like this until morning and I *might* be dilated to a 5, but at 9:00 (the time she pressured me to give her) they would have to do a c-section anyway because of risk of infection. 

I was devastated. 

So they prepped me for c-section. They rushed Cody off to get ready. I was all alone and upset. And pregnant. What an awful combination!! 

I got to the OR. Cody was still not there. I remember hearing them tell me to lay down on the other bed. Someone said, 'epidural right?' 

NO! NO EPIDURAL! I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING! DON'T START CUTTING ME!! 

Luckily, I didn't have to say any of those things out loud because someone set them straight. I had to get a spinal. Which freaked me out. 

Cody came into the room. With no camera. I was completely crushed! We would be missing out on once-in-a-lifetime shots! I probably started crying. Our saint, a.k.a. pediatrician, graciously went to our room and got my camera. Thank heavens for that man. 

A few minutes later, we heard a beautiful cry. The doctor said, 'whoa! That's a big baby!' And then lifted him over the curtain. I said, 'he's so cute!!' I just remember thinking a brand-new baby shouldn't be that cute. 

(Knox, showing his muscles within the first few minutes) 

They weighed him and then Cody left with him, leaving me with my doctor, nurses, and anesthesiologist. I was shaking really bad and kept asking if that was normal. I was freezing! The scariest part was hearing the nurses and doctor do periodic instrument checks: '4 scissors' '4 scissors, check'. I mean, it's good they were doing it but it just reminded me that something could possibly be sewn up inside me. 

It felt like it took absolutely forever, but when they wheeled me out, they were still working on Knox. They brought him to me (finally!!) and Cody and I got to have some alone time with him before the rest of the family came in. 

I got sick that night...I guess from the medication. They ended up leaving a bed tray for me just in case...which I later used to throw at Cody. Knox was crying, I couldn't feel my legs, Cody was asleep, and my nurse buzzer had fallen. It was my last resort to wake Cody up and it did the trick! 

I wondered why the doctor said Knox was so big when he only weighed 7lbs 12oz. I later found out that a 15.5 inch head is in fact not a normal size head for a newborn. It just means he's got big brains right?? 

I hated most of my birth experience. I absolutely loved being pregnant. I wasn't scared of a natural childbirth at all. But I feel like the doctor pressured me to give her a time when she accidentally broke my water. I don't feel like I was actually in labor and that I was forced to have an unnecessary c-section. 

After the birth, I still felt like I was unsupported. I had no help with breastfeeding. There was one nurse who had some patience to help Knox with his latch. We sent Knox to the nursery the second night because Cody couldn't sleep. I asked for them to bring him to me every 2 hours to try to nurse. I woke up and 6 hours had gone by. The nurse gave him formula, which I had specifically told them was not an option. I feel like my milk supply suffered from all of this, as well as knox's latch. 

I hated feeling out of control of my own body for so long. I couldn't feel anything from the waist down, which meant I couldn't even get up to take care of Knox at first. I also hated not having immediate skin-to-skin contact. Or even being able to touch Knox for so long. 

The icing on the cake was when I went in for my 2-week appointment with my ob/gyn. I was still having milk supply and latch problems. She asked what percentile Knox was in. I told her (it was low at that point). She said, 'obviously whatever you're doing is not working. You need to give it up.' Those words resonated with me and probably had a psychological effect on me the whole time. If she would have taken a more proactive approach, she could have checked out my thyroid and figured out it was playing a HUGE part in my milk production. 

There are many things I can look back and want to do different. But the fact of the matter is I can't change what's already happened. I can learn from my experience for this pregnancy (another post on that at a later date). And, when it's all said and done, Knox is here with us; and after a rough start, he is a very healthy, very happy almost 2-year-old. 

(I guess everyone was right...they do grow up so fast!)