Tonight I turned off the light and squeezed my adult-sized body next to him on his baby-sized bed. "What song do you want tonight?" An innocent voice answered, "abc's." We sung the alphabet slowly, our cheeks touching as we cuddled. Each letter that came out of his mouth wavered as he tried his hardest to match my notes. I hope he will be a good singer someday.
I asked our usual questions: "What can you do if you get scared?" "I hug my lovey tight." "Right. And what do you say if you need something?" "Mommyyyy or Daddyyyy!" "I love you sooo much!" "I love you sooo much!"
But tonight, I needed more snuggles. We laid together as I told him what a good cuddler he is, how proud I am of him for being such a good big brother, and how much I love him. I shifted my weight, contemplating how to get out of the bed. Could I manage to sit up or would I have to barrel roll backwards out of the bed? I felt a sweet toddler hand reach up and find my neck. He pulled me back down so our faces were touching again. He said the three words:
"I need you."
I let him hold my face to his, and suddenly I saw him going to school, becoming a teenager, graduating high school and moving away. How much longer will he need me?
Already he's becoming more independent. "I do it myself!" is a phrase heard in our house far too often. More and more, I find myself having to hold him down and force cuddles, rather than him giving them willingly. Each time he opens his own wrapper or gets himself a snack, it breaks my heart a little more. I don't have many days left where my baby boy will need me (or willingly admit that he needs me).
For now, he does need me, as he revealed innocently (as only toddlers can). I will try to soak up these days for all they are worth, and keep that perfect "I need you" stored away in my head for when he no longer vocalizes it.
I gave him a couple more kisses and hugs, flopped myself off the bed, and walked away. As I reached the door, I completed the last step of our bedtime ritual: I blew a big kiss toward my big/baby boy. He blew a big kiss back at me as I closed the door and walked away.
